There were twelve tribes of Israel. Two tribes, we know, settled in the south of Canaan, and ten tribes settled in the north. In 722 BCE, Israel lost track of ten of its tribes. No written word in history books could ever explain the disappearance of the ten lost tribes of Israel.

Each leader of the twelve tribes was a son of Jacob. Can you imagine twelve brothers getting along? It just didn’t work. They had to separate and move away from one another. The wives of the brothers were at each other’s throats all the time and driving them crazy.

You can imagine the women saying, “Nu, so look at your brother’s wife. She has a bigger tent than I do and has more jewels on her fingers. I should have married your brother.”

The brothers decided they couldn’t stand the tumult (confusion) and the kvetching (complaining) of the wives any longer so they would move away from one another, but they would try to keep in touch.

Ten brothers went north; two went south. The trials and tribulations of the two tribes that went south remain in our history books. The other ten tribes’ saga is a mystery.

I Have A Theory

The ten tribes from the north had a meeting and decided it was too cold to stay up north, so they trekked down to the south and established a new homeland. They called it "Florida."

It was a state of golden sunshine, a land of milk and honey. It was warm there. Everyone was Jewish. They ate three meals a day. They ate dinner early in the evening so they could get a good night’s sleep and could eliminate the need for driving at night.

There were citrus groves nearby; they could send grapefruit and oranges in the winter months to their relatives in other tribes. There were other natives living there from distant lands who were available to clean their tents for a minimum of wages; and the weather was always beautiful…maybe, a little hot at times, but not so terrible.

They had hairdressers and manicurists and clubhouses with activities so they could all play together. It was the Promised Land.

So what do you think happened?

Word got out. Lantzmen (relatives) from all over the country heard about this new Jewish homeland. They started arriving in droves and in big Lincolns and Lexuses, and they all spoke with different accents. They were from the land of the northeast: New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Connecticut, and Boston. No one was from Wyoming or Idaho. The ten tribes began to adopt the customs of these newcomers.

For instance, the New Yorkers introduced the others to delicatessen, big corned beef sandwiches; and to cheese cake, big thick creamy slices; and to bagels. Bagels were made from round pieces of dough with holes in them. [Incidentally, gentiles just discovered bagels within the past ten years.]

The people from Philadelphia introduced the others to cream cheese; and nu, there was a match: bagels and Philadelphia cream cheese.
The Bostonians tried to teach the other lantzmen the King’s English and proper diction, but the others could never learn how to say "cahr" correctly or to speak without an accent. They did learn to like Boston baked beans.

The people from New Jersey taught the others how to build long roads. They said they had a very long road in New Jersey that allowed transportation to flow smoothly. The idea was adopted and called a turnpike. These turnpikes today are sometimes considered parking lots.

The tribesmen from Connecticut tried to convince the other tribal members to open a gambling casino. They believed they could make a great deal of money. However, the Jews frowned upon gambling and decided to let another tribe come along someday and make a go of that idea. Oy, did the Jews miss an opportunity then. Another tribe did just that, and they are making lots of wampum today in Connecticut.

This is how Florida was begat. Floridians are descendants of the ten tribes of Israel. We are not lost anymore. We are fahrmished (confused) at times, but we are not lost. We all live happily ever after.